Just click on the title of a post to leave comments. And you can always email me at nicjorgi@gmail.com if you have questions or suggestions. Thanks for reading!
I've been talking to a lot of people lately. We've been talking about life, love, faith, family...a lot of stuff. And almost every single conversation has come to one conclusion: I need to love myself. Apparently, I never really have. Which is very true.
I've grown up with people always telling me;
"Wow, you're so talented."
"You have such cute dimples."
"You are an incredible guy."
"I just love being around you."
"You're so good at making friends."
All sorts of stuff like that. And I'll be blatantly honest, I hate all of it. Because I've never thought any of it is true. I think I'm okay at music, but I want to pursue it. I'm not the greatest singer. I hate my dimples, they make me look so young. I think I'm kind of a jerk a lot of the time. And I get super annoying and depressed, so I don't know why people would like spending time with me. And yeah, I make a lot of "friends", but none of them tend to stay for long. And if they do, it's typically the ones I don't want staying around. Friends spend time together, help each other in rough times, talk things out. They can be crazy together. They don't ignore you, avoid you, or tell you to just suck it up. They listen.
Sorry, I got a little off there. I'm kinda pissed about the whole "friend" thing right now. Anyway, I just simply don't love myself. There isn't one specific reason, either. I'm just not a huge fan of Nic Jorgensen. Maybe it's because I've let so many people down. Maybe it's because I'm still confused about what I want in life. There are tons of reasons why I might not like myself. But overall, I can't just turn around and say, "Hey, you're awesome!" and then suddenly love myself to pieces. No, I've tried. It ends badly.
Another part of this is that I haven't fully accepted myself. Growing up LDS has been incredible. I've learned to show kindness in all that I do, love God and His son, Jesus Christ. I've learned to be thankful for what I have. I've learned about the Gospel. I've learned how to be responsible and how to lead. But I've also been taught, my entire life, that my true self is evil. Unknowingly, every time someone taught me about marriage and love...they were just crushing my heart. Because I know who I am. I know what I'm attracted to. Who I'm attracted to. And when I'm told that it's wrong, it makes me question who I am. I'm always being told how good I am...but then taught how despicable I am. It makes no sense at all.
There is somebody that is very special to me. And yes, I wish that there was something more between us. And yes, it is a guy. Him and I have talked about it. There isn't a chance of anything...but he's kind of the reason I came out. I feel happy talking to him. Unlike how I feel when I'm told that who I am is wrong. That I'm making a bad choice by being attracted to men. Okay, thanks for that. But I'd rather be the real me. Of course, nothing is happening at this point. I've just always felt that I need another person to be worth anything. I'm still stuck on that fence I mentioned in the last post, though. I'll be sitting up there for a while.
So in conclusion to this post...No, I do not love myself. Yes, I want love. No, I don't know who that will be. Yes, I love the church. No, I'm not very active. Yes, I want to feel worth something. No, I can't just change my mind.
Sorry all of this has been so depressing lately. This is easily the lowest point of my life. The "Belly of the Whale". I'll be okay someday. It's just...baby steps.
I want to clear something up based on the comments from the last post.
I'm not in love right now. At all. Everyone around me seems like a bit of imagination for some reason. At this point love, be it a boy or girl, is irrelevant. Which I truly hate saying. But that's the fact.
I've had some very bad luck and situations arise because of me acting on any emotions. That's not happening anytime soon.
Just thought I should clear that up. Thank you for your comments. (Though, I'd prefer to know who these people are!)
My greatest fear in life is being alone. And it's a fear I've had to learn to live with. I spend a lot, if not most, of my time alone. Sitting in my room, laying on the couch, driving...almost my entire day is spent by myself. Even when I'm working, I stand alone in one place for seven hours. Either way, I'm thinking the whole time. When I don't have anyone to talk to, I talk to myself.
I don't have the greatest conversations with myself. Usually they're about how much I hate things, or maybe about how there are things in my life that I need to fix. It really bothers me that I can't have a positive conversation with myself.
Now that I'm out, publicly, I've noticed a few changes in how I perceive being alone. I used to think that chatting or texting someone was keeping me company. I don't think that anymore. It's purely a distraction, now. I used to be able to read a whole book in one day and be totally okay with it. Now, I can't get past a single page without my mind wandering. I used to find peace in sitting down and writing for my show or just some music, but now I can't get anything down onto paper. I'm more alone than I thought I was, and that scares me.
I know that I have to be one of two things:
1. A Gay Mormon living a completely celibate lifestyle and possibly marrying a girl someday. (And completely not being me.) Or just being alone.
2. A Gay non-Mormon.
Both of them sound horrible to me, I'll be honest. But I can't be on the fence, I just have to make up my mind. And that's really hard to do when I have so many reasons to go either way. And so many reasons not to. And so many reasons to just sit and think and let myself tear my brain and heart into pieces with constant inner-bickering.
This is all I've been thinking about. This constant state of loneliness in crazy.
In order to protect myself from inner hatred and disgust, I have decided to make a very bold move. This is not a stunt for attention. This is not a cry for help. This is simply me finally telling the truth. It has burdened me for far too long.
I am a gay Mormon. Now, I'm not one for labels. So by simply stating that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I am also a homosexual, that does not mean that I am actively participating in either sides activities.
Since the news that I wouldn't be serving a mission, my testimony has been weak, if not completely diminished. I want to believe it, and I think I still do. That is why I strive to attend as many church events as I feel comfortable. On the other end, I feel as if I'm not allowed to be myself. I have liked many guys and even felt inclined to have relationships. But I have had to do my best to hold back and remember what cross I am bearing. We all make mistakes. We all sin. My sins are not your sins. But all sins are forgiven through Jesus Christ.
My entire life people have called me or asked if I'm gay. And I've always told them "No." And every single time I am asked, I die a little bit on the inside. Every time, I'm blatantly lying. Even to people that I just absolutely love. I was bullied through Junior High because some kid thought I was gay. I was never actually brave enough to say that I really was, because that would have led to so much more pain. I was afraid of myself because I was different. It made me feel like I was a horrible person because I'm attracted to the same gender. In High School, people just kind of assumed. I still got some consistently rude comments, though. I even tried to like girls. But that, in itself, caused so much more pain that just simply accepting who I am. But my sophomore year, I finally decided to tell one of my close friends that I was gay. And after a surprisingly comforting conversation, I knew that I wasn't a horrible person. I finally began accepting myself.
What I'm living is a complete contradiction. But that is okay. Because as long as I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, I don't have to care about what the people of this world think of me. I will be my best self. I'm not just "that gay kid" or just another "Mr. Mormon". I am Nic. Me. Myself. The world doesn't decide who I am for me. I get to choose, because of Christ's sacrifice, who and what I want to be. I may be left behind by some friends with closed minds and little understanding of what love really is, but I'm okay with that. Perhaps some family members may question their love, but they'll almost immediately realize that I am still the same person. I may be rejected by people at church, but it isn't their position to decide my fate.
I want to live in accordance to the gospel, but if I'm going to have some stumbling blocks along the way, that's okay. And if this is my worst one, bring it on. I've been dealing with it my entire life. I think I can keep going. I love my Heavenly Father and He loves me. There is no stopping that.
Many who read this will be surprised, many people will think that they've always known. But I want everyone who's reading this to know one thing. I am the same exact Nicolas Forrey Jorgensen that you've always known. Just because you now know my largest struggle, doesn't mean I'm a different person. So there is no need to treat me differently. Just be respectful. Don't be short minded.
I know that it gets better. Some nights, I lay awake hating myself for who I am. But that is no excuse. I am still a child of God. We all are. And I'm so thankful for who I am, now.
Maybe someday, I'll marry a girl. My best friend. Someone I truly love with all of my heart. And it doesn't have to be physical. Love is caring for somebody one hundred percent. Love is total acceptance. Love is a reflection of Christ in your being. And I am happy to love and be loved in return.
This was a very large step for me. And I hope that it comes across well. If you're interested in what goes on in the mind of a gay Mormon, just go to this website.
No, that's not a cliche Britney Spears allusion. I really did do it again. What did I do? I played with their heart and got lost in the game. Oh baby, baby...
But really, I screwed up again. When I get lonely, I immediately go for whomever I've connected with most. And then I decide to get super attached. And then I think I'm in love or something. It really makes no sense. And I'm a total idiot when this happens.
So this past week I did that. I was feeling pretty down, so I suddenly developed incredibly strong feelings towards someone. It was horrible. I even asked them out. Like, what? It wasn't like me at all. But once again I created a super awkward situation. I hate when I do this. I don't even need or let alone want a relationship at all right now. That just sounds horrible.
I got lucky, though. They were really nice about turning me down. And we're still friends. But I can't keep doing this. I'm just really insecure about who I am. I think I just need to figure that out.
Time. That's all it's going to take. Time, time, time, time.....
One of my favorite people is going through a kinda rough patch right now. So I thought I'd post this for them.
We fall in love. Sometimes it's an accident. Sometimes it's completely on purpose. But all-in-all, it's going to happen. And it can be so confusing, horrifying, depressing and wrong. But it can also be totally beautiful, wonderful, happy and so right. All of that simply depends on the situation at hand.
In this situation, somebody started to have feelings for someone else who didn't reciprocate the feelings. Oh man. This is the most common and heartbreaking of all the sad stories. They get together, have a few good laughs, a couple awesome dates. Maybe make out a bit. It's all totally normal human stuff. But sadly, the one who cares can't get what they want. They want emotions and feelings. The other one is afraid and breaks things off. This can happen all the time.
So what is this emotional person to do now? They just lost someone they care about. What could they possibly do that could make them happy? Well, I'm happy to say that there are SO many things.
1. Stay positive! Just look at the bright side of things in any situation.
2. Find a distraction. Whenever you start thinking about that person, find a healthy way to distract yourself! Exercise, writing, singing, playing video games. Whatever. Just find something to help.
3. Move on. Do NOT live in the past. Do everything you can to simply move on. I know for a cold hard fact that this is much easier said than done, but try your hardest. It really pays off.
Those are my 3 best bits of advice. And there are so many other things you can do.
So to my friend whom this is for, I love you. And hey, you are so much stronger than you think. Find that inner strength and don't let this one bring you down. Maybe it's not the first time, and maybe it's not the last, but just remember that you have so many people that care about YOU. Want to know why? It's because YOU are amazing. This is a very minor slip up. You have so many more opportunities headed your way. And you say you can't find anyone because nobody notices you? I find that SO hard to believe. They're most definitely just nervous. There is someone out there. Maybe they aren't perfect, but nobody truly is. That person will connect with you on more levels than anyone else. They'll love you unconditionally. They'll be your best friend. I hope you find that person someday. I know you will! Just remember that time can be a total B. Seriously. But YOU ARE STRONG.
And to everyone else? Ditto. (muahaha, I got you.) But seriously, it goes for all of you.
I don't write at all anymore. I don't write music. I don't write my script. I don't write here on my blog. I don't even feel like writing. I've been kind of stuck in a block. Not exactly a writer's block, but a life block, in general.
Some people read this blog that I've decided really shouldn't. So, it's kind of just stopped. Gosh, I'm so sorry. This blog ran for about a month. Hopefully I'll pick it up again soon. But it will definitely be a while. Life is just kind of going and I'm trying to do what I can.
Thanks for reading while I was writing. You're all great.
In the past week, I've spent more time alone than usual. I've even seen a couple movies by myself. It's strange, really. I'm getting really used to being alone, but I'm still not totally comfortable with it.
So there truly is a power in being around other people. Even if it's not socializing, just the simple nearness can make a change in emotion. I'm going to try to be around people more.
Short post. Sorry I haven't been blogging much, I just haven't really had too much to share. It's all the same stuff and I don't want to be too redundant.
'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears.
I'm new to this grief I can't explain,
But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain.
The fire I began is burning me alive,
But I know better than to leave and let it die.
And I'm a silhouette,
Asking every now and then,
"Is it over yet?
Will I ever feel again?"
And I'm a silhouette,
Chasing rainbows on my own.
But the more I try to move on,
The more I feel alone.
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home.
I'm sick of the past I can't erase.
A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace.
A mountain of things I still regret
Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget.
The fire I began is burning me alive,
But I know better than to leave and let it die.
And I'm a silhouette,
Asking every now and then,
"Is it over yet?
Will I ever smile again?"
And I'm a silhouette,
Chasing rainbows on my own.
But the more I try to move on,
The more I feel alone.
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home.
I walk alone.
No matter where I go, I walk alone.
I walk alone, no matter where I go.
And I'm a silhouette,
Asking every now and then,
"Is it over yet?
Will I ever love again?"
And I'm a silhouette,
Chasing rainbows on my own.
But the more I try to move on,
The more I feel alone.
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home.
I watch the summer stars to lead me home.
I've loved this song from the first time I heard it. Yes, it's by Owl City, but throw ALL of your judgements out the window. This song is so different.
I've waited for so long to record this. And I've done this because I've been waiting for the lyrics to make sense. And now that they finally do...I recorded it.
My life is kind of all over the place, and sometimes I have no idea what to do. But I hope that someday I'll find my summer star to lead me home. Wherever home may be.
Okay, so this is something I've been working on for quite a while. "Almost Day" is the musical I've been writing. And I'm determined to actually make it into something worthwhile.
What is it that makes all of us want to leave some kind of mark in this world? Is it just our constant need to be noticed? Or maybe it's just that we don't want to be forgotten. Maybe it's because we want to have physical evidence that our lives have purpose. Either way, I'm right in there with everyone else. I want there to be something to remember me by. Something I'm passionate about. And that something, I want to be this musical.
It's a love story. Surprise. Two kids who have grown up together their entire lives as best friends. Dianne and Sam both love astronomy and look at the stars every night. It's the summer before their Senior year in this small seaside town. One night, Dianne finds out that she'll be moving away. She's afraid to tell Sam, because secretly, she loves him. And it turns out, he secretly loves her too. Well, the summer goes on, and it's the night before she has to leave...and she finally tells Sam what's happening. It's devastating. But at the county fair that night, they both decide to tell the other that they love the other. (How sweet. Awwwwwe.) Anyway, it's also got a magical man, moonsand, cool music...I just need to make it all professional.
So that's what I'm doing. And with some help from my new friend, Jake, I'll be editing the script. I'm going to rearrange and even rewrite some of the songs. It'll be a long process, but I really hope it's worth it.
I'm always up for support and ideas. So if you're ever at all interested in helping, just let me know. (Maybe I'll even rename a character after you!)
Anyway, a quick update on my life:
Work- It's just the same as ever. Nothing special.
Insitute- I actually made it to class on Thursday morning! And I have to say...I really should make it to every class. It's what I need in my life right now.
Choir- We sang at a retirement home. That was...interesting. And then we went to the corn maze. It was okay.
Halloween- Well, I was Peeta again this year. It's just an easy costume and I like it. I went to a friend's party with my friend Susannah. It was lots of fun watching Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare Before Christmas, but it got kinda awkward when someone I used to like a lot was there...all cuddled up and...ugh, whatever. Anyway, Halloween was okay.
Friends- I've been lucky enough to make a connection through Suzie and Callie to a new friend in Ohio. We've been texting and getting to know each other. He's awesome. His name is Jake and it's kind of like we've always known each other. It's just nice to have someone that understands me to talk to. I'm thankful for him.
I've decided that even when everything is absolutely horrible, I at least have hope to hold on to. I can dream about what's to come. The world isn't ending because I'm having a rough go. In light of a better day, I'm hoping for a happy one.
This is a note to myself, but I hope it speaks to you (the reader) as well:
Nic, things suck right now. But remember how awesome it is to write a beautiful piece of music? Or make that perfect mug of hot chocolate? Count the little things, because some day you're going to look back and realize that those are the things that mean the most. Look ahead to the future, it's bright. We never know exactly what's ahead of us, but we can know how we'll hold ourselves up. How we will take in everything the world has to throw at us. We control our emotions. Be strong and remember how incredible you are. There are so many people out there rooting for you; people that love you; people that want you to be happy. Keep the little things close to your heart. And remember, there is always hope.
*I now have a mini-victories page. Whenever I consider something I've accomplished or endured worthy of a mini-victory, I'll post it on there.
Continuing on my masks post. This one will just have one mask, though. And it's the one I've been struggling with lately.
Masks of Singularity:
For some reason, when I need someone the most, I push everyone away. And I know for a fact that so many people do this. I don't know if there is a single known reason why we do this.
Only speaking from experience, I think we do this because of fear of the unknown.
Okay, that's the entire mask. It's so simple, but so incredibly true. The problem is, it really bothers me. I put on this mask a lot. I just sit around wishing I could talk to somebody or even just cuddle with somebody. So all I do is sit here and pretend I don't need people. But on the inside, it's all that I need.
That's really all I have to say. I'm glad I have this blog to get things out.
Hey there friends and readers. It's been a few crazy days, so blogging hasn't been too easy. Let me catch you up.
1: Work is pretty awesome. The people are great, the work itself is fun and the workplace is beautiful. I get free popcorn and lemonade, that's always awesome. There are only two problems I can think of. Number one, there's one SUPER annoying girl I work with. I hate talking about people behind their backs...but honestly, I can't stand working next to her for SEVEN HOURS. She doesn't know what she's saying, she overloads customers with information, she tells them the wrong things all the time...it's just very annoying. And the second thing...I kinda like one of my coworkers. Oops, that isn't supposed to happen. Ugh, it kind of annoys me.
2: I've been struggling with Institute. My work schedule is pretty wonky, so waking up at 6:30 has been very difficult. Institute is very important to me too...so it's very hard for me to miss it so much. And with a wavering testimony, it makes everything worse. Hopefully I can figure this all out.
3: I don't know, it would just be weird to only have a list of two. So, yeah.
Anyway, life is crazy, but I'd like to talk about something that, for some strange reason, has been bothering me lately.
Here's my backstory. Two teenagers are in High School in the wonderful Pocatello Idaho. They get into a sticky situation, and the girl is pregnant. She can't keep the baby, so she puts it up for adoption before it was even born. They didn't know anything. Skip ahead 9 months and boom, a little baby boy is born. So two people from Boise drive down to Pocatello and pick up this little baby boy. I'm sure you know who that baby was. That was me. A little baby born to nobody in particular.
Here's what I hate about this all. I'm adopted. Yeah, so maybe that's a little dramatic. Or very dramatic. But I just simply hate it. I was given up by a woman who couldn't keep me, but I know loved me. And now I'm with parents that love me, but that I don't connect with.
So I've always known I'm adopted. But that doesn't stop the identity crisis of it all. And that's really what it is. I've never known my actual backstory. I don't even know if I'm Scottish, English, Finnish...anything. I don't know medical history of my bloodline. I don't look like my parents or my sister. It's really hard to explain, but I just wish I could figure all of this out.
So this has been really bothering me lately, and I've decided that I need to adopt a new kind of attitude so that I don't just sit around and feel horrible about myself and lonely. I do everything I can to be as positive as I can.
Overall, there is just so much happening and I can't figure out what my life is. So hopefully I figure all of this out soon. If any of you have a question, any question at all, just let me know.
Okay, so I'm actually really busy now. So blogging isn't coming as easily to me. I'll do as much as I can because it really does mean a lot to me. This is my journal. This is how I get everything out. So hopefully I can find more time to do this. Things are absolutely crazy. I really don't like how it is. But oh well, I'll figure it out. You are all the best. Thanks for everything.
When I lie in bed at night and can't sleep, it's because my mind is racing around and around. Tonight it's for one reason. ROMANCE. When I really care about somebody like this, I just don't want to sleep. Because for once, even just the feeling of (I'm using this word lightly...) love is greater than the dreams I could imagine.
Sadly, this love is untouchable. And I hate that. Yet, I'm also kind of used to it. Isn't that one of the most gut-wrenching feelings ever? Too bad, I love it. I'm taking it aaaaaaallllllll in.
Have fun sleeping while I lie here and actually enjoy the pending rejection. This is so strange. To show off my excitement, a very random picture of me (backstage) at South Pacific. Sweet Dreams!
The Myers-Briggs Personality Test is a very impressive indicator to who you are. I was incredibly doubtful at first, but once I read the personality profile, I was amazed at how perfectly it described me. I am an INFJ, "The Counselor". (Yes, those also just so happen to be my initials.) This stands for Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging. (the opposite personality of mine would be ESTP, Extroverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving)
Here is the (condensed) profile of an INFJ.
INFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding of themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear and confident vision, which they then set out to execute, aiming to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions.
INFJs have been mistaken for extroverts, as they tend to possess multiple personalities due to their complex inner life; however, they are true introverts. INFJs are private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Though they are very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.
INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life that they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types; however, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal it (except to their closest companions). INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits" rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.
INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately, deeply woven, mysterious, highly complex, and often puzzling, even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired, yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.
If you know me well enough, you should realize that you pretty much just read a profile written directly about me. In case you aren't familiar with these personality types, here's a little interesting fact. Less than 1% of the world's population is considered INFJ. There really aren't a lot of famous INFJs either. I can name 2 off of the top of my head. Hitler and Oprah. That just goes to show how incredibly vast this personality can be.
Look again at the first sentence of the second paragraph. Trust me, that explains more than you even know.
I do have a few INFJ friends. And I have the most amazing conversations with them. Because we actually understand each other. Sadly, I've been losing a lot of connections, so I don't have much of that anymore.
INFJs also have a signature "stare". I noticed it once I heard about it. We tend to just focus 100% on somebody that we are truly interested in. We learn to understand how others' minds work and we can (in a way) read them. Figure out the inner workings. And while we do, we stare. A lot. You might notice that about me now. Don't judge.
In regards to my previous post when I talked about being lonely.
Sorry, it's not the best picture, but I've had that on my computer for so long and it just makes too much sense for me not to share it. I am often lonely, and I don't always feel like it's because of a physical presence. Sometimes I'm just in the need of some mental stimulation. A good conversation. I do feel out of place, very often in fact. And my biggest fear is losing somebody that I love. That little green rectangle explains my life. Seriously.
There's also the way that we think. Here is a chart showing how all personality types think.
So, if you notice, it says that I think with "Introverted Intuition". Obviously, it's the first two factors of an INFJ. Anyway, what this means is that I notice patterns, I have a feeling for consequences both good and bad, and I tend to understand the more abstract things. If you know your personality type, check out your cognitive function here. Go Down to "Functions". You'll see it.
By now, I wouldn't be surprised if you were bored and wanted me to finish. Oh fine.
Just remember that through all of this, I'm still "The Counselor". So I'm always here for you guys.
Overall, it's so confusing being an INFJ. But it's just who I am. I'll talk more about it some other time. Have a great afternoon.
*(Here's a little something fun if you know your personality type.)*
I have a lot of friends. I'm not bragging or anything, just stating the facts. I always do my best to smile, have fun conversations and make others feel good. So generally, I've made a lot of friends. Most of these friends have been from school and church. Now I'm getting to the point where I'm making friends from Institute and work as well. As time goes on, certain friends take up a larger part of your life. Sometimes, it seems like every single friend wants to spend time with you. And of course, that means just the opposite can happen as well.
Right now, it seems like nobody wants to spend time with me. Now, I know that isn't true. Everybody is busy though. Most of my best friends aren't even in Boise anymore. They're off at college, foreign exchange, on missions, off to better things. So that makes me feel as if I can't do anything.
I've been working, though, so that's always helpful. When I keep busy, I can distract myself. It's just all of the hours I sit at home doing chores over and over again, writing, watching movies...it all seems so pointless. Like I should be spending my time with other people instead of by myself.
When I see people that have those really close lifelong friends, I'm so jealous. It feels stupid to say, but it's incredibly true. I've always wanted a good friend that I spend most of my time with just because we love to have a great time together.
Kind of a change of subject, but it goes along with it. I've considered searching for a councilor. Any kind of councilor. Somebody to just help me out. I'm definitely not in the healthiest state of mind. And I think a lot of this is because I spend so much time alone, and I screw with my head by overthinking everything. And I honestly can't help it.
I'm going to separate this into another post. The next one will explain my INFJ personality type.
Okay guys, I have to be honest with you. Sometimes life gets me down so much. Right now, I have no idea what to do with myself. I'll keep doing everything I should. I'll go to work and put a smile on. I'll go to class and be happy for a bit. I'll go to choir and talk to friends.
Sadly, I can't be totally okay all the time. Right now, I'm just wallowing in my own ocean of self-pity. I don't feel so great about my life situation right now. Working a minimum wage job, not going to school...it seems like a dead end. In fact, it really feels like that's what it is. Sorry for the depressing post.
I might try to sleep. But right now, I think I'll just keep listening to music.
Hey friends! I have a favor to ask. First off, I just love the fact that you are reading my blog. Secondly, I'd like more people to know about it. So I'm gonna offer you a deal.
If you share my blog on Facebook and then e-mail me, you'll be my favorite! Okay, there's really nothing I can do. But hey, I really would love it if I could reach a larger audience. And the best way for me to do that is with your help!
I love you guys! Thank you all so much! (Here are some cool things to share!)
Nobody is really themselves anymore. I don't think I know a single person that is absolutely immune to the pressures of other people around them. We all put on certain masks. Of course, not all of these are bad, and they aren't all good. They come in all shapes, sizes and types. Let me explain some.
Masks of Detached Emotions:
It's become incredibly common for people to show no emotion. For some reason, we think it's a bad thing for others to see how we feel. Maybe you lost someone really important and you just want to cry. My advice? CRY! Seriously, it's totally okay. Even for you guys, crying is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of acceptance. It means you've understood the situation and you need some sort of release. Way to be.
Also, If you want to be very excited about something, that's okay! Perhaps you got to meet someone who you look up to. Maybe not everyone else does, but that means something to YOU. So be happy. Smile, be giddy, just feel how you want to. Don't hold back.
Masks of Detached Emotions suck for one main reason; you aren't being who you WANT to be. So that's dumb. Be and feel the way you want to.
Masks of False Morals:
The world's morals really suck. Promiscuity is a pretty terrible (and common) thing. Religion aside, I honestly think people should wait to have sexual relations. It really is a very special moment that you should only share with one person. So this goes along with the fact that almost nobody keeps those high morals.
Generally, I'd say it's more common for girls to fall behind this mask. And I really hate saying that, but it's true. And it breaks my heart to see it happen. We give up our morals because somebody coaxes us into thinking they truly love us. Or maybe it's a low point in your life. Either way, it can happen. You may give up your standards and put on this mask of False Morals. And right then, you've fallen into a trap. It's a terrible trap that so many people are stuck in. Once you're in, you're afraid to get out. You find a strange comfort in the confinement you have.
I just truly hope that anyone with this mask can have the courage to take it off. You. Have. Standards. Don't give them up for a moment of clouded bliss. Keep them to enjoy eternal happiness. And I'm going to give you this...
I am ALWAYS here to talk to anyone who needs help. I'm very understanding and do not judge. I just want all of my friends and those I love to be happy. If you're stuck with this mask, I KNOW it is so hard to reach out. But I'm here for you. And I know for a fact that so many other people are as well. Please don't torture yourself. You are so much better than that. And I have faith in YOU. Yes, if that's you, I don't care who you are...you can do it. Anyone can. I believe in YOU.
Masks of Hidden Talents:
I will admit straight up, I struggle keeping this mask off all the time. I love writing music. And many times I've written pieces that have touched somebody. They'll come up to me and say how much it meant to them. And all I'll do, is shut myself out. I won't take the compliment. I'll be bashful and throw it off as if it's nothing.
Guys, please don't do that. I know that every single person has a special talent of some kind. Some are more noticeable than others, but that doesn't mean it's any more special.
Maybe you simply don't want to be recognized. That is totally okay, but never talk yourself down. You are simply...amazing. Want to know how I know that? Because if you're reading this, I probably know you personally. And everyone I know has made an impact on me. A handprint on my heart, if you will. Don't forget that. You are incredible. Go and share your talents with the world! Paint, sing, draw, cook, bake, dance, write, smile, look pretty, be awesome, run really fast, memorize poems, act. Whatever you do, JUST DO IT. *Did you know?* My name, Nic, is the Greek spelling? Want to know what it translates into? "Nike". That's right. So I can say...JUST DO IT! Victory!
Masks of Courage:
Now, don't think that I'm going against what I said about detached emotions. This is different.
Sometimes, we have to do something that is just plain scary. Maybe somebody is looking up to us. We all have others that take their own courage from ours. And you know what you have to do sometimes? Fake it. That's right, you have to pretend you're invincible.
If we can show that we have a strong faith in ourselves, it can stay. This is a great mask to take advantage of. By faking that self-confidence, you can know how to gain real confidence! It's actually pretty incredible.
Just remember to use this wisely, though. Sometimes, it's okay to be afraid. We don't want to mix this up with detached emotions. Put on that happy face, but if it's a time when maybe courage isn't what you need. Or maybe you're desperate for help. Don't use this mask. It is TOTALLY okay to ask for comfort.
Okay, those are the ones I have right now. I'll add more later. Sorry this took so long, I've been busy with work and I wanted to make sure this was perfect for all of you.
If you ever need to get ahold of me for ANY reason, my number is (208)284-2454. Call, text...anything. I'm always here to help.
Thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot to me that people actually read what I have to type. In fact, so many people have reached out to me, and I couldn't be more thankful for those people in my life. I love all of you so much.
I realize my blog is incredibly bipolar. I'm sorry.
Thank you for reading. Have a great Sunday, and remember to think about this masks as you go about your week.
*P.S.* We've hit 1000 pageviews! Thanks! You guys are the best!
You know what I hate? Getting stood up. What's worse than making plans, getting excited, preparing yourself for something great, showing up, and not have the other person show up. I HATE IT. Personally, I don't think it's acceptable at all. And if that's how people are going to live their lives, then good for them. I'm SO happy for you. Maybe you can just learn general manners and common sense some other time. I'm sure that's perfectly acceptable.
If you've broken someone's heart, shame on you. If your heart has been broken, sucks for you. I guess life just kinda happens. Oops, too bad. Nothing you can do about that.
Honestly, just try to be a good person, please. Don't be rude and insensitive. This is short and too the point.
Enjoy your night. Don't be a complete idiot. Thanks.
I'm working on a fairly large post. So I've been spending a lot of time making sure I'm getting the point across exactly how I want to. I think you'll all enjoy it. Anyway, I just wanted to tide you over with some quick videos. Some of my favorite YouTube artists. Enjoy! I'll probably be posting again tomorrow morning.
Peter Hollens and Lindsey Stirling - "Star Wars Medley"
Peter and Evynne Hollens - "A Boy and A Girl" by Eric Whitacre
Okay, here's a pet peeve of mine. (names are totally random)
Joe: Did you see that guy?
Bob: The gay guy? Yeah, what a fag. haha
Joe: haha Seriously, so gay. How stupid.
Bob: Gay people are just so weird.
Joe: I know right!? They need to straighten out.
Both: hahahaha
For the record, I didn't make this conversation up. I heard this take place yesterday. All I can say is, those two need to learn a lesson in respect. Everybody is different. Just because somebody is gay or fat or doesn't have the same opinions and beliefs as you, doesn't automatically make you better than them. And I HATE more than anything to associate with people that are stubborn enough to believe that they're better than everyone else.
One of the largest problems I've had this entire month is worrying about people judging me. Of course, I'm finally starting to realize how much I shouldn't care about what others think. Anyway, what right is it of theirs to judge me? We're all the same. Just a spirit in a body. Deal with it. I can do what I want as long as I respect others as well.
*The Golden Rule* - Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
I wonder if people actually understand the meaning of that. Let me put it in easier terms.
*The Golden Rule* - If you're nice to people, they'll be nice to you.
And for the truly stubborn people.
*The Golden Rule* - Shut your mouth before I slap you.
Perfect, I hope that gets the point across. I just can't stand it when I'm having a perfectly good day, and then someone has to go and ruin it by people a total butt. Don't be one of those people. Please just be respectful. I know most of you are, and that's awesome.
On a much happier note, the Unison choir concert last night was phenomenal. I'm truly loving the people and the music. We start CHRISTMAS music next week. I am so insanely excited. Of course, Halloween is in 2 weeks, so I guess I should focus on that first....and then Thanksgiving...whatever. I'm still super excited for Christmas.
Also, I should start figuring out what my Halloween costume will be. Hmm...I'm a total nerd, so characters from books, movies and video games are all possible. Any suggestions?
I could finally be Link (From Legend of Zelda)?
Thanks for reading! Today is my first FULL day of work. *Super stoked* Hopefully I don't die. So long, Blogosphere.
Not many people really know this about me, but I have a very short temper. Really, it's quite short. If you had to rank my temper on a scale using only military and political leaders, it might stand an inch or two below Napoleon Bonaparte.
All joking aside, this is one thing I am really not proud of. When something happens against my liking, my fuse is lit. And with it being so short, it takes almost no time for me to explode. But (being an INFJ, and that will be explained in further detail some day) usually it's an inward explosion. I do my best not to be that guy that just makes a huge deal out of nothing. The guy everyone hates because he takes everything to heart, and not in a good way. Occasionally, though, I burst. I HATE myself when this happens. I get violent, I scream, I say horrible things, my heart beats wildly...it isn't a good experience. And that's what I would like to address.
When I throw these idiotic tantrums, it's only with my family. I honestly do love them, but that's when my temper is shortest. I really don't know why. I've never connected 100% with my parents. There are lots of factors that could go into this. Many of which I couldn't even name. Maybe I don't connect with them because we share almost nothing in common? Maybe it's because I like to do things on my own? Maybe it's just because I'm adopted? I don't know. Either way, I really just don't connect with them. And because of this, I break away from my TRUE INFJ self and get angry. It really isn't my best quality.
Wow, I'm revealing a lot in this one. Phew. The whole adoption thing I'll write about later. That one could take a good 2 or 3 hours for me to write. As for the connecting with parents, I'll expand on that later too.
Tempers. I've just always sucked at keeping mine. And I can't stand other people's. The tiniest things will bother me, as well. Maybe I'll have had a bad day and then at dinner my mom will say something like, "Nic, you look down. Do you want to talk about it?" And I'll just snap and run to my room before I do anything stupid. I hate it so much. And a lot of this goes into depression and self-hate.
Sorry, I think this is kind of a gateway post. I'm just opening up to a lot of things so I can talk about them when I feel like I really need to. Hopefully the randomness of this didn't put you off or anything.
*On a positive note* I'm currently sitting in the Boise Institute building. It's a truly wonderful place where I can just relax and forget about the world. I love Institute so much. I might even say it has kind of saved me in many ways. Ellie, Rusty, Robin, Gage, Rachel, Owen, Rhen, Jillian, Heather, Jessica...I'm forgetting so many people. But I just love them all. Once again...I'll expand later.
I hope you enjoyed my gateway post to the many wonderful upcoming posts of mine. As you can see, many of those will be, well, sad. But hey, nothing's perfect (And this blog is already much happier than I expected it to be.) Thanks for reading, everyone. I keep writing for YOU. So keep checking it out. I love you guys. Have a lovely night.
So, you've figured out by now that Broadway is a passion of mine. I love the singing, the dancing, the acting, the lights, the special effects, the entire atmosphere of the Broadway world. And it probably won't surprise you, but one of my biggest dreams is to one day be up on that stage. To some day play a part in creating the shows, performing, writing. I just want to be in it all.
As you noticed from my "My Musical Music" post, I have a lot of Broadway music. (I recently also acquired West Side Story and Nice Work if You Can Get It.) From all of this music, I have learned so much. I think I'm on my way to truly finding out the perfect recipe for a successful Broadway production. This helps me in the 3 ways in which I wish to participate in Broadway Musicals. Those being as: An audience member, a writer and an actor.
Give my favorite Broadway song a listen while you read. "Seize the Day" - Newsies
Let's start with being an audience member. I've never actually seen a show on Broadway. Let alone, been to New York. Either way, I know I will someday. But I still have had the opportunity to see some touring shows. In 2011, I hopped on the bandwagon and saw my very first show. Wicked. It was truly phenomenal. From the opening scene, I was immediately enthralled. I had to resist the urge to sing along with everything. From Glinda floating down in her bubble to Elphaba rising above the stage as she belts the last line of "Defying Gravity", I was completely taken by the show. Then there was the second act. Holy crap, they could have made it a little bit more emotional. Jeez. I was wiping away tears like crazy. I knew "For Good" was coming. That's what scared me. But see, I didn't quite fully understand the placement of the song until then. So as they stand on stage and sing, I'm sitting in my chair trying not to look like a nutcase. As Glinda waited behind the curtain and quietly called out, "Elphie?"...I just lost it. But once the show ended with those three chords of "Wiiickeeed" that I never wanted to hear, I was just overcome by all sorts of emotions. I did it! I had just seen my first show! It was truly the most swankified show in town, and I got to see it! Yeah, I saw it from the last row in the bottom section and in the farthest left seat with a speaker directly behind me so whenever the Wizard spoke my eardrums rattled, but I saw it!!! My obsession had begun.
The only other professionally done show that I've seen is Young Frankenstein. If you don't think that Mel Brooks is a comedy and musical genius, then you better hide. I will find you. And force you to watch The Producers and Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Then you'll see who's laughing. (I really hope you're the one laughing...because the movies are funny. Ya know? Okay.) Young Frankenstein the Musical was right up there with Wicked, if not even better. It was absolutely perfect. I remember not being able to breath during the "Roll in the Hay" scene because I was laughing so hard. I remember being in total amazement as I saw a tap dancing monster and silhouette. I remember Frau Blucher stepping out...and nobody applauded as we were supposed to. And her saying, "You're too kind" in the MOST sarcastic tone I'd ever heard and laughing and cheering for an entire minute before she could even go on with introducing "Puttin' On the Ritz". It was a completely different feel from Wicked, but honestly, I think I may have enjoyed it even more.
Someday, I'll see more than just a touring show in Boise, Idaho. (Oh, I am seeing the Addams Family here in December! Yay!) I dream of seeing the boys in Newsies dancing on the streets of NYC, trying to sell their papes. Or the nuns of Sister Act shaking their booties to a brand new beat. Maybe I'll even see acrobats of Pippin spin and fly across the stage. Either way, I hope to experience the real Broadway someday. A man can dream.
*Just for the record* I have seen two shows outside of Boise, both of which were not my favorites and I choose to forget. I saw Cats in Seattle, which is right up there with Oklahoma for one of the worst shows ever. And then I saw Beauty and the Beast in Vegas, which I hate to say was not that great. It was so overdone. It definitely had its moments though. "Gaston", "Be Our Guest" and the transformation were all pretty cool. But sadly, it really wasn't a good show. I love the musical, but that cast? No.
The second way I'd love to be involved with the show business, is writing. This is probably my longest shot. I've written a musical. Yeah, a full musical. The book, the lyrics, the music...but I just have to say, it is horrible. Really, you'd probably end up in a pool of your own blood from even trying to sit through the whole thing. And as graphic as that is, I'm probably just really hard on myself. So since then, I've been trying to write another one. I've started (and given up on) three musicals. They all have potential at first, but I kinda just realize it's pointless. Hopefully someday I can finish one and maybe have a community theater perform it! Oh gosh, even that would be just amazing.
Writing for Broadway would be a living hell. But it's a hell I wouldn't mind. Honestly, I have so much music in my head, and I just want to share it.
Okay, time for the last part. Acting. I've been a part of three different musicals. Each with its ups and downs. Two of the shows were at Boise High School. My sophomore year, I played Benny Southstreet in our production of the wonderful classic, Guys and Dolls. It was a lot of fun. I mean, an insanely low budget show, with a horrible set and terrible dancing...but it was my first show, and I loved it. (Of course, when I got one of the biggest applauses, that was always nice.) Then my senior year, I had the opportunity to learn an Irish accent and become the one and only Og the Leprechaun in Finian's Rainbow. (Double cast with Benjamin Olson. What a great guy.) This show was a lot more fun because I had a much larger part, but we had many more run-ins with big problems. All over the place. It was so incredibly stressful. But hey, once again, I really did enjoy it. It helped that Susannah was there. She's my Broadway Buddy now. It's pretty awesome. We were in another show together, as well. Boise Music Week's production of South Pacific. I was a no-name sailor that just got to dance around and do whatever. It was lovely. But hey, I got to perform on the same stage where I saw Wicked and Young Frankenstein. That's pretty awesome. I hope to do another show sometime soon.
So aside from those three roles, I definitely have some dream roles. Christopher Fitzgerald has a way of playing all of my favorite parts. It almost makes you think he's amazing or something. Igor in Young Frankenstein, Og in the 2009 revival of Finian's Rainbow and Boq in Wicked. Yeah, he's pretty good. Some other dream roles of mine are Jack in Newsies, LeFou in Beauty and the Beast, Scuttle in The Little Mermaid, Finch in How to Succeed in Business...the list goes on. If you noticed, most of those roles are really just the crazy character. I tend to be really good at being the weird guy. But hey, I enjoy it. Maybe someday, I'll audition for a role in a new show and be all famous and happy and whatnot! I don't know. I'm definitely not leaving this dream in the dust.
I hope you enjoyed my rant about my dreams of Broadway. It's a truly magical place. (eh, kinda) I'll post later today. It's my day off, so I'll have lots of time to think of something good. Anyway, enjoy (and seize) your day!
One of the very first things I did once I found out I wouldn't be shipping off to serve the great people of the Philippines for two years, was job hunting. And for anyone looking for a job right now, I am so very sorry. (The Village in Meridian has a ton of openings, though.) Job hunting sucks. For me, it pretty much just consisted of me on Craigslist all day, printing job applications, filling out countless applications, turning in said applications, being rejected from all those employers...yeah, it isn't fun.
After 2 weeks of this, and an excess amount of fast food, I finally landed my dream job! I was hired at the one...the only...(well, there are 2...)...Wetzel's Pretzels! Yup, I worked at the lovely baked pretzel place in the mall.
When I started, they just threw me right into the system. I signed in on the cashier as "Nick". And if you know me, you know how much that bothers me. (Hence the name of my blog. Duh.) Anyway, Joe, the shift manager, showed me around and got me started. I buttered pretzels, worked the cashier, buttered pretzels, made drinks, buttered pretzels...Get the picture? All in all, it was just a lot of butter. I wasn't a fan of that. After 2 weeks, I started baking the pretzels. I was horrible at it. But hey, I can do the fancy pretzel twist thing. So pretty much, I just didn't like the job at all. After 3 weeks, that's when I found out about my boss. My freaking boss.
My boss was Sherri Biethman. Before you read on, check out this link.
Yep, that's her. On Survivor. I really don't have much to say about her. I'm not one to bad mouth...just search her on Youtube or something.
Anyway, I wasn't liking the job. The scheduling sucked. (4 hours of working in a week? What? Okay, thanks...). I didn't like the people too much. And I'm not exactly a fan of going home with butter all over me. Of course, the free pretzels were nice.
So I quit. I kept job hunting and had found another job at the Village Cinema 15 in Meridian. It hasn't open yet, but holy crap it is so freaking nice. The Grand Opening is on Friday! I'm super excited! So if you're not doing anything on Friday night, come out to the movies! You will absolutely love it! Here's another link (yay, 2 links) to my theater's website.
And let me tell you, it looks exactly like that concept art. It's beautiful.
I start work today and I'm so excited! Luckily, I won't be working concessions too much. Mostly, I'll be a barista and an usher! So come see me sometime. That would be awesome.
Also, I can say that I already love the people I work with. During job training, I've made a lot of really cool friends. So hopefully, this job goes a whole lot better. I mean, free movies and popcorn? Could it be any better? (And yes, my friends get free movies too, so go ahead and be my best friend now. I'm totally okay with that.) I'm going to make lunch and then take my sister to work. (Her car broke down and whatever.) So I'm off! Have a great one!
Okay, this is a dramatic one. I'm so faaaattt. Blaaaaggghhh. Okay, no. That's stupid. But really, I put on an extra 25 pounds to get ready to starve in the Philippines for 2 years. So now that I'm not going, I need a way to shed those pounds.
1: Working Out
I'll admit, I'm not the best at working out. I hate doing it, but always feel so good afterwards. I just need that push, you know? And there's the fact that I have the worst knees in the world. So running (which is honestly my favorite workout) is out of the question now. So I need to try new cardio! I can bike, but only for so long. There's swimming, kick-boxing, elliptical...lots of things. Of course, I may need to begin going to the gym. Yay for the gym. At least then I'll have a set plan. So that might be a good thing. Hopefully I figure that one out.
2: Water
So much water. I have this bad habit of giving up soda...for 3 days. 4 if I'm lucky. Now is the day where I will give up all of those drinks that are full of sugar and such. Oh man, it's going to be tough, but I know that I can do it! I have a really cool water bottle, and I'm going to start carrying it with me wherever I go. At least I can always add some lemon, lime, mint...mmm, lots of fancy flavors. That will be good.
3: Smaller Portions
This will be my hardest one. After all of these months of actually trying to gain weight, I have to change everything! This is the most crucial change. Eat less=weigh less. Wow, isn't that crazy? Mostly, I think if I drink more water, I'll not be as "hungry". And once I start working (THAT'S TOMORROW, OH MY GOSH) I won't just eat because I'm bored. Thank goodness. On a similar note, I have a box of Mint Fudge Creme Oreos...someone please eat them? Anyone?
So, those are the three things I'm going to be working on right now. Hey, look at me! Being all responsible and grown up. I promise this won't turn into a health blog. Oh my gosh, no, never. Anyway, I'm going to try to get rid of these Oreos and watch Halloweentown. Have a good night not being as awesome as me. (Okay, you're probably a lot cooler than me. But whatever.) Happy Columbus Day.
EDIT - Sorry, looks like Robin got dibs on the Oreos.
Hey! So I just recorded a new song I wrote for fun. Just a little project. "But Nic, how ever can I hear your beautiful music?" No need to fear fair reader, I have a link to my Soundcloud account on the top of my blog! Do you see it? It says "My Soundcloud". Yeah...that one. Good. It will take you straight to my profile. And then you can listen to all of my music! I'm just going to say, it's definitely not my favorite recordings...but it's the ones I can do with the equipment I have. So enjoy! Happy listening.
I use this word a lot. Probably annoyingly so. But hey, I've seen it work miracles.
Okay, so I'm just quoting the song now. If you want to listen to the song while you read, here's the mp3 file. (It's also on my new "Music" page. That's up there. ^^^)
I'll admit, I'm all for the cheesiest Broadway music you can find. And I just have to say, a seagull singing about being "positoovitive" is pretty wonderful. The Little Mermaid is a great show. So if you're listening to this you're probably thinking..."Nic, this is the weirdest thing I've ever heard." Well, sucks to sucks. This is genius. It's incredibly catchy, isn't it? Now I'm just rambling so you actually listen to the whole thing....
Okay, now for my story. I heard this song for the first time about a week ago, when I got The Little Mermaid Broadway Cast Recording. Things weren't at their highest point. I was in a crisis of sorts. See, I have this thing where even when I'm with people, I can feel lonely. It doesn't make much sense really. I just kind of floated through social settings, went home, then felt all bad about life. It was just a coping mechanism. Let me just say, *DON'T DO THAT*. Seriously, it doesn't help at all. It makes things worse. And I know for a fact that I'm not the only one that does this.
So when you're in a setting of people that you really like (for me, it was Institute choir) but you just don't feel like you're connecting with anyone, don't just sit there and mope about it! That's why I've done pretty much my entire life. It most definitely isn't worth it. I've found that when I put myself out there and just say a few things, break my comfort zone or simply stand in a different place, it changes the mood completely. Want to know how I found that out? Oh, this is fun...
I heard "Positoovity". No joke. A song sung by a seagull in a Disney musical changed my mindset. (And truly, that's all it is. A mindset.) I loved the song and it had been stuck in my head all day. Then I was in a social setting where I didn't feel happy! So guess what I finally realized.
"Nic, you idiot. You've had the answer stuck in your head all day. And you are way too stubborn to even realize what it is! You've got positoovity!"
Yes, that's how I talk to myself. So you know what I did? I sang the song to myself. (Wow, this is so incredibly cheesy...) I just smiled at the fact that I was actually doing this. I don't know if it was the message of the song or simply the fact that I was singing a Broadway song in my head, but it really did work a miracle. Immediately, I felt included. I got into the conversation. I realized, that before, I was pushing myself out of the circle of friends. And that's how I got past that idiotic phase.
I knew Broadway could actually change me for the better. (Wicked? Anyone? No? okay...)
Well, there you go. At least now you know why I use the word "positoovity". That doesn't mean it won't annoy you any less. But really, it's a great word. (Better than "poosatricity"...just saying.) Or maybe you'll even use it now! Even on accident. I wouldn't be surprised. It happens to me all the time. That's why I use words like "positoovity", "swankified", "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in my everyday language. Sorry, Broadway gets to me.
I hope you can find a song that helps you. I love music, obviously, so I know it can make a huge difference. Find a song that helps you have a little extra gumption. (You can even comment with your song! I love new music.)
Have a beautiful day. And keep singing to yourself!
Nothing is perfect. But isn't that wonderful? Think about it, some of the most beautiful things in life come from mistakes or impurities. See this?
That is an impurity. And how beautiful is that? So where am I going with all of this? Simple. I'm not perfect, and I screw up a lot. (I'm sure we all do.) But sometimes, from those mistakes, we learn the greatest lessons. We realize the most important things we need to know. We open up to new ideas. We humble ourselves to be better.
All I want you, as a reader, to know, is that when you make a mistake, look on the positive side of things. There is a way to get out of what you've gotten into. I can assure you, from experience, that it is true. Just remember to believe in yourself and don't be stubborn. Let others assist and carry you along. I know it's hard, but I've had to do it many times.
Let me give you an example:
Within a week of me finding out that I wouldn't be serving a mission, I had told quite a few people. One of those people was my good friend Ryan. When I told him, I was in the mindset that I was just kind of done with. I didn't know where I was going in life. All in all, I was being incredibly stubborn. It's stupid, I know.
What I learned at that lunch with Ryan, is that I needed to take some time and realize that I can't expect myself to do everything. He offered so much for me. And that's when I decided that I could ask others for help and support. But just let me say, that is so hard. We don't want to look weak. I surely didn't want to ask my friends to spend time with me only for the reason that I wouldn't end up depressed alone in my room. But once I humbled myself, my life got so much easier.
So friends, be humble. Have faith in your faults. It's okay to screw up. If it weren't, what would the point of Christ be? (if you're religious) And come on, either way, what do you really think friends are for? They're there to help you. If I've learned anything from this entire experience, BOOM that's it.
It's late. I need sleep. I hope you learned something. Sweet dreams (be it dreams in the night or daydreams).
So I ended up going to my home ward today. I only went to Sacrament Meeting, but hey, sometimes that's all I need. Anyway, I was so surprised by everything that happened. Here's how it went down.
First, I got super spiffed up. Nice tan pants, brown sports coat, some really nice Eccos, my nicest tie...I wanted to look really good. As I walked into the church building with my parents, my heart started racing. I was already starting to regret it. But that's when a complete stranger walked around the corner and gave me one of the happiest smiles I've ever seen. She was just happy to be at church on a beautiful Sunday morning. So I smiled.
Once we got to the chapel, we had to sit in the overflow because the Castle Park Ward is huge; especially on Boise standards. So as I sat in the back, I caught the glance of some people I've known for pretty much my entire life. And they just smiled and waved. That's it! I could tell they weren't judging or thinking of what I possibly could have done to still be here. And it actually made me feel happy.
Happy. Wait....happy. I think I remember this. I smile, right? And I actually mean it. What? Okay this is insane. It really has been a while. Many things have made me FEEL happy, but now I can actually say that I AM happy. There's a difference.
So that's that. I made it through sacrament, talked to some old friends and then came home.
You know, this whole "Blogging" thing is growing on me. Alright, I'm done for the day. I swear. See ya!
You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Philippines Angeles Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 24 months.
You should report to the Philippines Missionary Training Center on Friday, September 13th, 2013. You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Tagalog language."
The Philippines! Crazy! Speaking the Tagalog (tuh-GA-lohg) language? And what's really crazy, is that my best friend Patrick was called to the Philippines speaking Tagalog as well! It was just an absolutely overwhelming experience.
But wait, Friday, September 13th, 2013? Wasn't that, like, a month ago? Yes, it was EXACTLY a month ago. So that makes it pretty obvious. I'm not on my mission. And for many reasons (which I prefer to keep to myself) I won't be able to go for another year. But honestly, I don't think I'm going to. After what I've gone through in the past month and 10 days, I don't think a mission is for me. I've gone through too many phases to count.
My first reaction when I was told (only 10 days before I was supposed to leave) that I couldn't serve a mission, was to cry. And I did. It was only me and the Stake President in his office. But I can only say that I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell me. He was gentle and kind about it. That would never stop me from being a complete wreck, though. So as I drove home, I had no idea what to do. My entire life just changed. The 2 years I had planned ahead of me were gone. So who do I call? Why my good friend Patrick, of course. Yes, I told him before I even told my parents. Patrick is an amazing guy. I really couldn't ask for a better friend. And I've never hear him cry, except for that moment when I told him, through my tears, that I wouldn't be serving in the Philippines with him. That we couldn't go to BYU in two years, as roommates and speak Tagalog together and annoy everyone with mission stories. Sadly, that dream is behind us.
*Just for the record*: Patrick left on his mission this past Wednesday. Serving in Quezon City North. As far as I know, he's doing very well so far. He's in the MTC in Manila, the capital of the Philippines. He is going to be an incredible missionary; the Philippines couldn't ask for anyone better.
Once I arrived at home I told my mom, she cried. My dad came home, my mom told him, he cried. I told my amazing big sister, Jenny. I don't know if she cried, but she definitely comforted me. (I think she was just happy I wouldn't be leaving for two years. She would've missed me too much.) So pretty much, everything was wet with tears, and I didn't like that.
That was a Friday. Saturday consisted of me crying and doing nothing, so I'll skip to Sunday. I did not go to church. The Sunday previous was my farewell. Yeah, that's right, I'd already done my farewell. Which is why I could never go back to my home ward! I know it's dramatic, but just dealing with judgmental stares, gossiping, awkward questions and all of that was just too much for me to handle. I still have yet to return to the Castle Park Ward.
I have started going to the Boise YSA (young single adults) 1st Ward. I'm not going to say it's my favorite, but it's church. It's still awkward, though.
Fast Forward to October 13th
Today, my sister's childhood friend is having her baby blessed in our home ward, and I'd love to go. But I'm going to be honest. I. Am. Afraid. I hate admitting that so much. Why would I ever be afraid of going to church? Isn't church/faith/religion supposed to be a safe haven? Well, usually it is. In my case, it's a stressful hellhole of judgment. And really, I don't think I can handle that. I was hoping by after a month I'd be able to just go back to normal life, but I really can't get myself to. So maybe I have a hard time praying and reading my scriptures. So maybe I struggle with my testimony. So maybe I just wish none of this had happened. But that doesn't change anything.
I'm being incredibly shallow and self-centered about it all, and it does nothing positive for me. But what is someone supposed to do when they're afraid to go to church? That just isn't normal. I've considered going and just sitting in a side room so I can hear the service without seeing people, but that just seems crazy.
I know God still loves me. Can't that be enough for now? I think it has to be.
I have had quite a few things to help me out this past month. Amazing friends, Institute, Institute Choir (Unison), work...lots of stuff. I'll expound on those things later. For now, I'm just going to get ready for church. Maybe that will help me actually decide to go.
I hope all of my readers have a fantastic Sunday. It's a beautiful day. Just remember to be full of positoovity. (I'll have to explain this whole "positoovity" thing eventually...) Anyway, have a good one.
Yeah, yeah. I know, "All music is musical you idiot." No, that's not what I mean. I mean, "My Music FROM Musicals". And trust me, I have a lot. By my last count, I have 62 albums of broadway/movie musicals. And I love all of them! (Except a couple. Like Oklahoma, I really just don't like Oklahoma. And yes I realize it's the musical that changed musicals forever, but nobody cares. It sucks.)
Alright, time for me to brag. All of my albums are on my itunes and make a playlist of 1000+ songs. It is truly beautiful. Here's a list of all my musicals (In no particular order), each with my favorite song from the show next to it:
Newsies (okay this really is my number 1) - "Seize the Day"
Pippin (the 2012 Broadway Cast) - "Corner of the Sky"
The Lion King - "Endless Night"
Tarzan - "Trashin' the Camp"
Thoroughly Modern Millie (the 2002 Broadway Cast) - "The Speed Test" or "Forget About the Boy"
Book of Mormon - "Hello" or "Turn it Off"
Wonderland - "One Knight"
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the 2013 London Cast) - "Pure Imagination"
Elf - "Sparklejollytwinklejingly"
Sister Act - "Take Me to Heaven"
A Christmas Story - "Counting Down to Christmas"
Promises, Promises (the 2010 Broadway Cast)- "Turkey Lurkey Time"
Bonnie and Clyde - "This World Will Remember Me"
Mary Poppins - "Step in Time" or "Anything Can Happen"
My Fair Lady - "On the Street Where You Live"
Spamalot - "The Song That Goes Like This"
Young Frankenstein - "Together Again" or "Transylvania Mania"
Shrek - "Freak Flag"
The Addams Family - "When You're an Addams"
Wicked - "What is This Feeling?"
Beauty and the Beast - "Gaston"
Matilda - "School Song" or "Quiet"
Catch Me if You Can - "Seven Wonders"
How to Succeed in Business (the 2011 Broadway Cast)- "How to Succeed"
Anything Goes (the 2011 Broadway Cast) - "It's De-Lovely"
Mamma Mia (the Motion Picture Soundtrack) - "Does Your Mother Know?"
Urinetown - "Run, Freedom, Run"
Finian's Rainbow (the 2009 Broadway Cast) - "When I'm Not Near the Girl I Love"
Guys and Dolls - "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat"
Legally Blonde - "There, Right There!"
Happy Days - "Romeo Midnight"
The Music Man - "Shipoopi"
The Sound of Music (the Motion Picture Soundtrack) - "Do Re Mi"
Hairspray (the Motion Picture Soundtrack) - "Come So Far (Got So Far to Go)"
Les Miserables (the Motion Picture Soundtrack) - "On My Own"
The Producers - "Keep it Gay"
South Pacific (the 2009 Broadway Cast) - "There is Nothing Like a Dame"
Hello, Dolly - "Put on Your Sunday Coat" or "Hello, Dolly"
Crazy for You - "Someone to Watch Over Me"
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat - "Jacob and Sons" or "Any Dream Will Do"
Ragtime - "Make Them Hear You"
Children of Eden - "Lost in the Wilderness"
The Phantom of the Opera (okay, I'll have a whole post about how much I really just don't like this show, along with Oklahoma) - "Music of the Night"
Annie - "Maybe"
Xanadu - "Dancin'"
Side-Show - "I Will Never Leave You"
Sunset Boulevard - "Sunset Boulevard"
Oklahoma (.....uhm...yeah.) - "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning"
The Boy from Oz - "The Boy Nextdoor"
Not the Messiah (He's a Very Naughty Boy) - "Woe Woe Woe!"
White Christmas (the Motion Picture Soundtrack) - "Snow" or "Sisters"
Cinderella - "Ten Minutes Ago"
Across the Universe - "Because"
Rent - "Seasons of Love"
The Little Mermaid - "Positoovity" or "One Step Closer"
The Little Shop of Horrors - "Dentist!"
Into the Woods - "Giants in the Sky"
A Chorus Line - "What I Did for Love"
Disney's On the Record - All of it....
13 - "Brand New You"
9 to 5 - "9 to 5"
Pokemon Live! - "Pikachu! I Choose You!"
Well, there you go. You made it. I'm so proud of you. Have a virtual hug.
(>*_*)> hugs <(*_*<)
But really, nice work. Those are my shows! (I hope that's all 62...I'm too lazy to count) Now, if you read any of those and thought, "Hey, I really want that!" just let me know! I'm always willing to burn some CD's for people. (Of course, only if you're close to me...and maybe can provide a CD)
Now, I don't like all of those musicals. Honestly, there are about five I never listen to. Ever. But hey, I've still got 'em. And I've only seen Wicked and Young Frankenstein. I'll leave you with a little gift. Enjoy the musical stylings of NPH. So long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen! Adieu!
