Loving Myself is Harder Than You Think

     I've been talking to a lot of people lately. We've been talking about life, love, faith, family...a lot of stuff. And almost every single conversation has come to one conclusion: I need to love myself. Apparently, I never really have. Which is very true. 

     I've grown up with people always telling me;

"Wow, you're so talented."

"You have such cute dimples."

"You are an incredible guy."

"I just love being around you."

"You're so good at making friends."

     All sorts of stuff like that. And I'll be blatantly honest, I hate all of it. Because I've never thought any of it is true. I think I'm okay at music, but I want to pursue it. I'm not the greatest singer. I hate my dimples, they make me look so young. I think I'm kind of a jerk a lot of the time. And I get super annoying and depressed, so I don't know why people would like spending time with me. And yeah, I make a lot of "friends", but none of them tend to stay for long. And if they do, it's typically the ones I don't want staying around. Friends spend time together, help each other in rough times, talk things out. They can be crazy together. They don't ignore you, avoid you, or tell you to just suck it up. They listen.

     Sorry, I got a little off there. I'm kinda pissed about the whole "friend" thing right now. Anyway, I just simply don't love myself. There isn't one specific reason, either. I'm just not a huge fan of Nic Jorgensen. Maybe it's because I've let so many people down. Maybe it's because I'm still confused about what I want in life. There are tons of reasons why I might not like myself. But overall, I can't just turn around and say, "Hey, you're awesome!" and then suddenly love myself to pieces. No, I've tried. It ends badly.

     Another part of this is that I haven't fully accepted myself. Growing up LDS has been incredible. I've learned to show kindness in all that I do, love God and His son, Jesus Christ. I've learned to be thankful for what I have. I've learned about the Gospel. I've learned how to be responsible and how to lead. But I've also been taught, my entire life, that my true self is evil. Unknowingly, every time someone taught me about marriage and love...they were just crushing my heart. Because I know who I am. I know what I'm attracted to. Who I'm attracted to. And when I'm told that it's wrong, it makes me question who I am. I'm always being told how good I am...but then taught how despicable I am. It makes no sense at all.

     There is somebody that is very special to me. And yes, I wish that there was something more between us. And yes, it is a guy. Him and I have talked about it. There isn't a chance of anything...but he's kind of the reason I came out. I feel happy talking to him. Unlike how I feel when I'm told that who I am is wrong. That I'm making a bad choice by being attracted to men. Okay, thanks for that. But I'd rather be the real me. Of course, nothing is happening at this point. I've just always felt that I need another person to be worth anything. I'm still stuck on that fence I mentioned in the last post, though. I'll be sitting up there for a while.

     So in conclusion to this post...No, I do not love myself. Yes, I want love. No, I don't know who that will be. Yes, I love the church. No, I'm not very active. Yes, I want to feel worth something. No, I can't just change my mind.

     Sorry all of this has been so depressing lately. This is easily the lowest point of my life. The "Belly of the Whale". I'll be okay someday. It's just...baby steps.

In Regards to the Last Post

     I want to clear something up based on the comments from the last post.

     I'm not in love right now. At all. Everyone around me seems like a bit of imagination for some reason. At this point love, be it a boy or girl, is irrelevant. Which I truly hate saying. But that's the fact.

     I've had some very bad luck and situations arise because of me acting on any emotions. That's not happening anytime soon.

     Just thought I should clear that up. Thank you for your comments. (Though, I'd prefer to know who these people are!)

     You can always email me at nicjorgi@gmail.com

The Perception of Being Alone

     My greatest fear in life is being alone. And it's a fear I've had to learn to live with. I spend a lot, if not most, of my time alone. Sitting in my room, laying on the couch, driving...almost my entire day is spent by myself. Even when I'm working, I stand alone in one place for seven hours. Either way, I'm thinking the whole time. When I don't have anyone to talk to, I talk to myself. 

     I don't have the greatest conversations with myself. Usually they're about how much I hate things, or maybe about how there are things in my life that I need to fix. It really bothers me that I can't have a positive conversation with myself. 

     Now that I'm out, publicly, I've noticed a few changes in how I perceive being alone. I used to think that chatting or texting someone was keeping me company. I don't think that anymore. It's purely a distraction, now. I used to be able to read a whole book in one day and be totally okay with it. Now, I can't get past a single page without my mind wandering. I used to find peace in sitting down and writing for my show or just some music, but now I can't get anything down onto paper. I'm more alone than I thought I was, and that scares me.

     I know that I have to be one of two things:

1. A Gay Mormon living a completely celibate lifestyle and possibly marrying a girl someday. (And completely not being me.) Or just being alone. 

2.  A Gay non-Mormon. 

      Both of them sound horrible to me, I'll be honest. But I can't be on the fence, I just have to make up my mind. And that's really hard to do when I have so many reasons to go either way. And so many reasons not to. And so many reasons to just sit and think and let myself tear my brain and heart into pieces with constant inner-bickering.

     This is all I've been thinking about. This constant state of loneliness in crazy.

     That's all I have to say.