Loving Myself is Harder Than You Think

     I've been talking to a lot of people lately. We've been talking about life, love, faith, family...a lot of stuff. And almost every single conversation has come to one conclusion: I need to love myself. Apparently, I never really have. Which is very true. 

     I've grown up with people always telling me;

"Wow, you're so talented."

"You have such cute dimples."

"You are an incredible guy."

"I just love being around you."

"You're so good at making friends."

     All sorts of stuff like that. And I'll be blatantly honest, I hate all of it. Because I've never thought any of it is true. I think I'm okay at music, but I want to pursue it. I'm not the greatest singer. I hate my dimples, they make me look so young. I think I'm kind of a jerk a lot of the time. And I get super annoying and depressed, so I don't know why people would like spending time with me. And yeah, I make a lot of "friends", but none of them tend to stay for long. And if they do, it's typically the ones I don't want staying around. Friends spend time together, help each other in rough times, talk things out. They can be crazy together. They don't ignore you, avoid you, or tell you to just suck it up. They listen.

     Sorry, I got a little off there. I'm kinda pissed about the whole "friend" thing right now. Anyway, I just simply don't love myself. There isn't one specific reason, either. I'm just not a huge fan of Nic Jorgensen. Maybe it's because I've let so many people down. Maybe it's because I'm still confused about what I want in life. There are tons of reasons why I might not like myself. But overall, I can't just turn around and say, "Hey, you're awesome!" and then suddenly love myself to pieces. No, I've tried. It ends badly.

     Another part of this is that I haven't fully accepted myself. Growing up LDS has been incredible. I've learned to show kindness in all that I do, love God and His son, Jesus Christ. I've learned to be thankful for what I have. I've learned about the Gospel. I've learned how to be responsible and how to lead. But I've also been taught, my entire life, that my true self is evil. Unknowingly, every time someone taught me about marriage and love...they were just crushing my heart. Because I know who I am. I know what I'm attracted to. Who I'm attracted to. And when I'm told that it's wrong, it makes me question who I am. I'm always being told how good I am...but then taught how despicable I am. It makes no sense at all.

     There is somebody that is very special to me. And yes, I wish that there was something more between us. And yes, it is a guy. Him and I have talked about it. There isn't a chance of anything...but he's kind of the reason I came out. I feel happy talking to him. Unlike how I feel when I'm told that who I am is wrong. That I'm making a bad choice by being attracted to men. Okay, thanks for that. But I'd rather be the real me. Of course, nothing is happening at this point. I've just always felt that I need another person to be worth anything. I'm still stuck on that fence I mentioned in the last post, though. I'll be sitting up there for a while.

     So in conclusion to this post...No, I do not love myself. Yes, I want love. No, I don't know who that will be. Yes, I love the church. No, I'm not very active. Yes, I want to feel worth something. No, I can't just change my mind.

     Sorry all of this has been so depressing lately. This is easily the lowest point of my life. The "Belly of the Whale". I'll be okay someday. It's just...baby steps.

In Regards to the Last Post

     I want to clear something up based on the comments from the last post.

     I'm not in love right now. At all. Everyone around me seems like a bit of imagination for some reason. At this point love, be it a boy or girl, is irrelevant. Which I truly hate saying. But that's the fact.

     I've had some very bad luck and situations arise because of me acting on any emotions. That's not happening anytime soon.

     Just thought I should clear that up. Thank you for your comments. (Though, I'd prefer to know who these people are!)

     You can always email me at nicjorgi@gmail.com

The Perception of Being Alone

     My greatest fear in life is being alone. And it's a fear I've had to learn to live with. I spend a lot, if not most, of my time alone. Sitting in my room, laying on the couch, driving...almost my entire day is spent by myself. Even when I'm working, I stand alone in one place for seven hours. Either way, I'm thinking the whole time. When I don't have anyone to talk to, I talk to myself. 

     I don't have the greatest conversations with myself. Usually they're about how much I hate things, or maybe about how there are things in my life that I need to fix. It really bothers me that I can't have a positive conversation with myself. 

     Now that I'm out, publicly, I've noticed a few changes in how I perceive being alone. I used to think that chatting or texting someone was keeping me company. I don't think that anymore. It's purely a distraction, now. I used to be able to read a whole book in one day and be totally okay with it. Now, I can't get past a single page without my mind wandering. I used to find peace in sitting down and writing for my show or just some music, but now I can't get anything down onto paper. I'm more alone than I thought I was, and that scares me.

     I know that I have to be one of two things:

1. A Gay Mormon living a completely celibate lifestyle and possibly marrying a girl someday. (And completely not being me.) Or just being alone. 

2.  A Gay non-Mormon. 

      Both of them sound horrible to me, I'll be honest. But I can't be on the fence, I just have to make up my mind. And that's really hard to do when I have so many reasons to go either way. And so many reasons not to. And so many reasons to just sit and think and let myself tear my brain and heart into pieces with constant inner-bickering.

     This is all I've been thinking about. This constant state of loneliness in crazy.

     That's all I have to say.

The Truth About Me

     In order to protect myself from inner hatred and disgust, I have decided to make a very bold move. This is not a stunt for attention. This is not a cry for help. This is simply me finally telling the truth. It has burdened me for far too long.

     I am a gay Mormon. Now, I'm not one for labels. So by simply stating that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I am also a homosexual, that does not mean that I am actively participating in either sides activities.

     Since the news that I wouldn't be serving a mission, my testimony has been weak, if not completely diminished. I want to believe it, and I think I still do. That is why I strive to attend as many church events as I feel comfortable. On the other end, I feel as if I'm not allowed to be myself. I have liked many guys and even felt inclined to have relationships. But I have had to do my best to hold back and remember what cross I am bearing. We all make mistakes. We all sin. My sins are not your sins. But all sins are forgiven through Jesus Christ.

     My entire life people have called me or asked if I'm gay. And I've always told them "No." And every single time I am asked, I die a little bit on the inside. Every time, I'm blatantly lying. Even to people that I just absolutely love. I was bullied through Junior High because some kid thought I was gay. I was never actually brave enough to say that I really was, because that would have led to so much more pain. I was afraid of myself because I was different. It made me feel like I was a horrible person because I'm attracted to the same gender. In High School, people just kind of assumed. I still got some consistently rude comments, though. I even tried to like girls. But that, in itself, caused so much more pain that just simply accepting who I am. But my sophomore year, I finally decided to tell one of my close friends that I was gay. And after a surprisingly comforting conversation, I knew that I wasn't a horrible person. I finally began accepting myself.

     What I'm living is a complete contradiction. But that is okay. Because as long as I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, I don't have to care about what the people of this world think of me. I will be my best self. I'm not just "that gay kid" or just another "Mr. Mormon". I am Nic. Me. Myself. The world doesn't decide who I am for me. I get to choose, because of Christ's sacrifice, who and what I want to be. I may be left behind by some friends with closed minds and little understanding of what love really is, but I'm okay with that. Perhaps some family members may question their love, but they'll almost immediately realize that I am still the same person. I may be rejected by people at church, but it isn't their position to decide my fate.

     I want to live in accordance to the gospel, but if I'm going to have some stumbling blocks along the way, that's okay. And if this is my worst one, bring it on. I've been dealing with it my entire life. I think I can keep going. I love my Heavenly Father and He loves me. There is no stopping that.

     Many who read this will be surprised, many people will think that they've always known. But I want everyone who's reading this to know one thing. I am the same exact Nicolas Forrey Jorgensen that you've always known. Just because you now know my largest struggle, doesn't mean I'm a different person. So there is no need to treat me differently. Just be respectful. Don't be short minded.

     I know that it gets better. Some nights, I lay awake hating myself for who I am. But that is no excuse. I am still a child of God. We all are. And I'm so thankful for who I am, now.

     Maybe someday, I'll marry a girl. My best friend. Someone I truly love with all of my heart. And it doesn't have to be physical. Love is caring for somebody one hundred percent. Love is total acceptance. Love is a reflection of Christ in your being. And I am happy to love and be loved in return.

     This was a very large step for me. And I hope that it comes across well. If you're interested in what goes on in the mind of a gay Mormon, just go to this website.

 http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

     It's an actual church website, and it explains everything.

     Thank you for reading and understanding my situation. I'm so lucky to have a knowledge of what is to come. I am finally happy to be me.

Oops, I Did it Again.

     No, that's not a cliche Britney Spears allusion. I really did do it again. What did I do? I played with their heart and got lost in the game. Oh baby, baby...

     But really, I screwed up again. When I get lonely, I immediately go for whomever I've connected with most. And then I decide to get super attached. And then I think I'm in love or something. It really makes no sense. And I'm a total idiot when this happens.

     So this past week I did that. I was feeling pretty down, so I suddenly developed incredibly strong feelings towards someone. It was horrible. I even asked them out. Like, what? It wasn't like me at all. But once again I created a super awkward situation. I hate when I do this. I don't even need or let alone want a relationship at all right now. That just sounds horrible.

     I got lucky, though. They were really nice about turning me down. And we're still friends. But I can't keep doing this. I'm just really insecure about who I am. I think I just need to figure that out.

     Time. That's all it's going to take. Time, time, time, time.....

     Hey look, I'm actually blogging. Yay, go me.

People Who Need People

     One of my favorite people is going through a kinda rough patch right now. So I thought I'd post this for them.

     We fall in love. Sometimes it's an accident. Sometimes it's completely on purpose. But all-in-all, it's going to happen. And it can be so confusing, horrifying, depressing and wrong. But it can also be totally beautiful, wonderful, happy and so right. All of that simply depends on the situation at hand.

     In this situation, somebody started to have feelings for someone else who didn't reciprocate the feelings. Oh man. This is the most common and heartbreaking of all the sad stories. They get together, have a few good laughs, a couple awesome dates. Maybe make out a bit. It's all totally normal human stuff. But sadly, the one who cares can't get what they want. They want emotions and feelings. The other one is afraid and breaks things off. This can happen all the time.

     So what is this emotional person to do now? They just lost someone they care about. What could they possibly do that could make them happy? Well, I'm happy to say that there are SO many things.

1. Stay positive! Just look at the bright side of things in any situation.

2. Find a distraction. Whenever you start thinking about that person, find a healthy way to distract yourself! Exercise, writing, singing, playing video games. Whatever. Just find something to help.

3. Move on. Do NOT live in the past. Do everything you can to simply move on. I know for a cold hard fact that this is much easier said than done, but try your hardest. It really pays off.

     Those are my 3 best bits of advice. And there are so many other things you can do.

     So to my friend whom this is for, I love you. And hey, you are so much stronger than you think. Find that inner strength and don't let this one bring you down. Maybe it's not the first time, and maybe it's not the last, but just remember that you have so many people that care about YOU. Want to know why? It's because YOU are amazing. This is a very minor slip up. You have so many more opportunities headed your way. And you say you can't find anyone because nobody notices you? I find that SO hard to believe. They're most definitely just nervous. There is someone out there. Maybe they aren't perfect, but nobody truly is. That person will connect with you on more levels than anyone else. They'll love you unconditionally. They'll be your best friend. I hope you find that person someday. I know you will! Just remember that time can be a total B. Seriously. But YOU ARE STRONG.

     And to everyone else? Ditto. (muahaha, I got you.) But seriously, it goes for all of you.

 

 

 

Why I Don't Write Anymore

     I don't write at all anymore. I don't write music. I don't write my script. I don't write here on my blog. I don't even feel like writing. I've been kind of stuck in a block. Not exactly a writer's block, but a life block, in general.

     Some people read this blog that I've decided really shouldn't. So, it's kind of just stopped. Gosh, I'm so sorry. This blog ran for about a month. Hopefully I'll pick it up again soon. But it will definitely be a while. Life is just kind of going and I'm trying to do what I can.

     Thanks for reading while I was writing. You're all great.

The Power of People

     In the past week, I've spent more time alone than usual. I've even seen a couple movies by myself. It's strange, really. I'm getting really used to being alone, but I'm still not totally comfortable with it.

     So there truly is a power in being around other people. Even if it's not socializing, just the simple nearness can make a change in emotion. I'm going to try to be around people more.

     Short post. Sorry I haven't been blogging much, I just haven't really had too much to share. It's all the same stuff and I don't want to be too redundant.

     Thanks for reading.

Silhouette

I'm tired of waking up in tears,

'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears.

I'm new to this grief I can't explain,

But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain.

The fire I began is burning me alive,

But I know better than to leave and let it die.

And I'm a silhouette,

Asking every now and then,

"Is it over yet? 

Will I ever feel again?"

And I'm a silhouette,

Chasing rainbows on my own.

But the more I try to move on,

The more I feel alone.

So I watch the summer stars to lead me home. 

I'm sick of the past I can't erase.

A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace. 

A mountain of things I still regret

Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget. 

The fire I began is burning me alive,

But I know better than to leave and let it die.

And I'm a silhouette,

Asking every now and then,

"Is it over yet? 

Will I ever smile again?"

And I'm a silhouette,

Chasing rainbows on my own.

But the more I try to move on,

The more I feel alone.

So I watch the summer stars to lead me home. 

I walk alone.

No matter where I go, I walk alone.

I walk alone, no matter where I go. 

And I'm a silhouette,

Asking every now and then,

"Is it over yet? 

Will I ever love again?"

And I'm a silhouette,

Chasing rainbows on my own.

But the more I try to move on,

The more I feel alone.

So I watch the summer stars to lead me home. 

I watch the summer stars to lead me home. 

      I've loved this song from the first time I heard it. Yes, it's by Owl City, but throw ALL of your judgements out the window. This song is so different.

     I've waited for so long to record this. And I've done this because I've been waiting for the lyrics to make sense. And now that they finally do...I recorded it.

     My life is kind of all over the place, and sometimes I have no idea what to do. But I hope that someday I'll find my summer star to lead me home. Wherever home may be. 

Almost Day

     Okay, so this is something I've been working on for quite a while. "Almost Day" is the musical I've been writing. And I'm determined to actually make it into something worthwhile.

     What is it that makes all of us want to leave some kind of mark in this world? Is it just our constant need to be noticed? Or maybe it's just that we don't want to be forgotten. Maybe it's because we want to have physical evidence that our lives have purpose. Either way, I'm right in there with everyone else. I want there to be something to remember me by. Something I'm passionate about. And that something, I want to be this musical.

     It's a love story. Surprise. Two kids who have grown up together their entire lives as best friends. Dianne and Sam both love astronomy and look at the stars every night. It's the summer before their Senior year in this small seaside town. One night, Dianne finds out that she'll be moving away. She's afraid to tell Sam, because secretly, she loves him. And it turns out, he secretly loves her too. Well, the summer goes on, and it's the night before she has to leave...and she finally tells Sam what's happening. It's devastating. But at the county fair that night, they both decide to tell the other that they love the other. (How sweet. Awwwwwe.) Anyway, it's also got a magical man, moonsand, cool music...I just need to make it all professional.

     So that's what I'm doing. And with some help from my new friend, Jake, I'll be editing the script. I'm going to rearrange and even rewrite some of the songs. It'll be a long process, but I really hope it's worth it.

     I'm always up for support and ideas. So if you're ever at all interested in helping, just let me know. (Maybe I'll even rename a character after you!)

Anyway, a quick update on my life:

     Work- It's just the same as ever. Nothing special.

     Insitute- I actually made it to class on Thursday morning! And I have to say...I really should make it to every class. It's what I need in my life right now.

     Choir- We sang at a retirement home. That was...interesting. And then we went to the corn maze. It was okay.

     Halloween- Well, I was Peeta again this year. It's just an easy costume and I like it. I went to a friend's party with my friend Susannah. It was lots of fun watching Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare Before Christmas, but it got kinda awkward when someone I used to like a lot was there...all cuddled up and...ugh, whatever. Anyway, Halloween was okay.

     Friends- I've been lucky enough to make a connection through Suzie and Callie to a new friend in Ohio. We've been texting and getting to know each other. He's awesome. His name is Jake and it's kind of like we've always known each other. It's just nice to have someone that understands me to talk to. I'm thankful for him.

     Faith- Honestly, I don't know.

     Life is okay right now.