The Truth About Me

     In order to protect myself from inner hatred and disgust, I have decided to make a very bold move. This is not a stunt for attention. This is not a cry for help. This is simply me finally telling the truth. It has burdened me for far too long.

     I am a gay Mormon. Now, I'm not one for labels. So by simply stating that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I am also a homosexual, that does not mean that I am actively participating in either sides activities.

     Since the news that I wouldn't be serving a mission, my testimony has been weak, if not completely diminished. I want to believe it, and I think I still do. That is why I strive to attend as many church events as I feel comfortable. On the other end, I feel as if I'm not allowed to be myself. I have liked many guys and even felt inclined to have relationships. But I have had to do my best to hold back and remember what cross I am bearing. We all make mistakes. We all sin. My sins are not your sins. But all sins are forgiven through Jesus Christ.

     My entire life people have called me or asked if I'm gay. And I've always told them "No." And every single time I am asked, I die a little bit on the inside. Every time, I'm blatantly lying. Even to people that I just absolutely love. I was bullied through Junior High because some kid thought I was gay. I was never actually brave enough to say that I really was, because that would have led to so much more pain. I was afraid of myself because I was different. It made me feel like I was a horrible person because I'm attracted to the same gender. In High School, people just kind of assumed. I still got some consistently rude comments, though. I even tried to like girls. But that, in itself, caused so much more pain that just simply accepting who I am. But my sophomore year, I finally decided to tell one of my close friends that I was gay. And after a surprisingly comforting conversation, I knew that I wasn't a horrible person. I finally began accepting myself.

     What I'm living is a complete contradiction. But that is okay. Because as long as I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, I don't have to care about what the people of this world think of me. I will be my best self. I'm not just "that gay kid" or just another "Mr. Mormon". I am Nic. Me. Myself. The world doesn't decide who I am for me. I get to choose, because of Christ's sacrifice, who and what I want to be. I may be left behind by some friends with closed minds and little understanding of what love really is, but I'm okay with that. Perhaps some family members may question their love, but they'll almost immediately realize that I am still the same person. I may be rejected by people at church, but it isn't their position to decide my fate.

     I want to live in accordance to the gospel, but if I'm going to have some stumbling blocks along the way, that's okay. And if this is my worst one, bring it on. I've been dealing with it my entire life. I think I can keep going. I love my Heavenly Father and He loves me. There is no stopping that.

     Many who read this will be surprised, many people will think that they've always known. But I want everyone who's reading this to know one thing. I am the same exact Nicolas Forrey Jorgensen that you've always known. Just because you now know my largest struggle, doesn't mean I'm a different person. So there is no need to treat me differently. Just be respectful. Don't be short minded.

     I know that it gets better. Some nights, I lay awake hating myself for who I am. But that is no excuse. I am still a child of God. We all are. And I'm so thankful for who I am, now.

     Maybe someday, I'll marry a girl. My best friend. Someone I truly love with all of my heart. And it doesn't have to be physical. Love is caring for somebody one hundred percent. Love is total acceptance. Love is a reflection of Christ in your being. And I am happy to love and be loved in return.

     This was a very large step for me. And I hope that it comes across well. If you're interested in what goes on in the mind of a gay Mormon, just go to this website.

 http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

     It's an actual church website, and it explains everything.

     Thank you for reading and understanding my situation. I'm so lucky to have a knowledge of what is to come. I am finally happy to be me.