I've grown up with people always telling me;
"Wow, you're so talented."
"You have such cute dimples."
"You are an incredible guy."
"I just love being around you."
"You're so good at making friends."All sorts of stuff like that. And I'll be blatantly honest, I hate all of it. Because I've never thought any of it is true. I think I'm okay at music, but I want to pursue it. I'm not the greatest singer. I hate my dimples, they make me look so young. I think I'm kind of a jerk a lot of the time. And I get super annoying and depressed, so I don't know why people would like spending time with me. And yeah, I make a lot of "friends", but none of them tend to stay for long. And if they do, it's typically the ones I don't want staying around. Friends spend time together, help each other in rough times, talk things out. They can be crazy together. They don't ignore you, avoid you, or tell you to just suck it up. They listen.
Sorry, I got a little off there. I'm kinda pissed about the whole "friend" thing right now. Anyway, I just simply don't love myself. There isn't one specific reason, either. I'm just not a huge fan of Nic Jorgensen. Maybe it's because I've let so many people down. Maybe it's because I'm still confused about what I want in life. There are tons of reasons why I might not like myself. But overall, I can't just turn around and say, "Hey, you're awesome!" and then suddenly love myself to pieces. No, I've tried. It ends badly.
Another part of this is that I haven't fully accepted myself. Growing up LDS has been incredible. I've learned to show kindness in all that I do, love God and His son, Jesus Christ. I've learned to be thankful for what I have. I've learned about the Gospel. I've learned how to be responsible and how to lead. But I've also been taught, my entire life, that my true self is evil. Unknowingly, every time someone taught me about marriage and love...they were just crushing my heart. Because I know who I am. I know what I'm attracted to. Who I'm attracted to. And when I'm told that it's wrong, it makes me question who I am. I'm always being told how good I am...but then taught how despicable I am. It makes no sense at all.
There is somebody that is very special to me. And yes, I wish that there was something more between us. And yes, it is a guy. Him and I have talked about it. There isn't a chance of anything...but he's kind of the reason I came out. I feel happy talking to him. Unlike how I feel when I'm told that who I am is wrong. That I'm making a bad choice by being attracted to men. Okay, thanks for that. But I'd rather be the real me. Of course, nothing is happening at this point. I've just always felt that I need another person to be worth anything. I'm still stuck on that fence I mentioned in the last post, though. I'll be sitting up there for a while.
So in conclusion to this post...No, I do not love myself. Yes, I want love. No, I don't know who that will be. Yes, I love the church. No, I'm not very active. Yes, I want to feel worth something. No, I can't just change my mind.
Sorry all of this has been so depressing lately. This is easily the lowest point of my life. The "Belly of the Whale". I'll be okay someday. It's just...baby steps.
<3 Nic! Try to see yourself how we, the people who love you, see you. It's hard, but we see all the lovely things about you. I know it's hard, and of course you want love. Everybody wants love, you deserve love! Feel better Nic! <3
ReplyDeleteIt is easy for people to say you're worthwhile, that you deserve love but getting yourself to see that is one of the hardest things in the world to do. It's a part of the human condition. Everyone struggles to see themselves as worthy, everyone. So many people hide from the fact, try to find ways to ignore it. But you aren't. You are so strong and brave, Nic. Everything I've read proves that. It might take a long time but one day, you'll have the strength to be able to look at the reflection in the mirror and say 'I am worthy', and mean it. It takes a long time--I promise you I'm not close to being able to believe it myself. But you will get there. From what little I know, I can tell you it will never be easy. But then, if it were easy, would it be worth it?
ReplyDeleteHello, I happened to come across your blog while doing some searching on a certain subject and normally would not leave a comment but really would like to ask you a question. I hope you will reply. In reading your story, I see that you did not leave to serve a mission. If you had gone and met someone to teach the gospel too that said that they did not love themself, what would you do? What would you teach this person? What would the message be that a missionary of The Church Of Jesus Christ would leave with this person? What hope would they receive from you? What knowledge do YOU have that you would share with this person? Thank you for your time.
ReplyDeleteI would teach them that they have special gifts of the spirit. That the true love of yourself isn't from anything physical, but emotional and spiritual. I would teach them that every soul has its worth because, every soul is a child of God. There should never be a reason to not love yourself. Of course...this all probably sounds crazy, seeing as I don't love myself.
DeleteMy problem is...I'm a complete hypocrite. I can't take my own advice. Never have. But I'm working on it.
To Christ you were worth everything. If he could have saved no one but you, he still would have died. There is nothing you could possibly do, or feel, or be that could make him love you any less. Try to tap into that love. There is love flowing towards you continualy from many directions. Keep the posts coming. Your in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteForget yourself and look outwards. Yes it is important to make sure that you yourself are doing well. But make an extra effort to reach out and serve others. The people that you love are people that you love because they support you and help you. How can you hate somebody that goes out of their way to perform charity? You cant. If you devote more time to helping others you will find solutions to your own problems. And it will be impossible for yourself to not love yourself. Try it. It works.
ReplyDelete