I don't have the greatest conversations with myself. Usually they're about how much I hate things, or maybe about how there are things in my life that I need to fix. It really bothers me that I can't have a positive conversation with myself.
Now that I'm out, publicly, I've noticed a few changes in how I perceive being alone. I used to think that chatting or texting someone was keeping me company. I don't think that anymore. It's purely a distraction, now. I used to be able to read a whole book in one day and be totally okay with it. Now, I can't get past a single page without my mind wandering. I used to find peace in sitting down and writing for my show or just some music, but now I can't get anything down onto paper. I'm more alone than I thought I was, and that scares me.
I know that I have to be one of two things:
1. A Gay Mormon living a completely celibate lifestyle and possibly marrying a girl someday. (And completely not being me.) Or just being alone.
2. A Gay non-Mormon.Both of them sound horrible to me, I'll be honest. But I can't be on the fence, I just have to make up my mind. And that's really hard to do when I have so many reasons to go either way. And so many reasons not to. And so many reasons to just sit and think and let myself tear my brain and heart into pieces with constant inner-bickering.
This is all I've been thinking about. This constant state of loneliness in crazy.
That's all I have to say.
Nic you are not alone in how you feel. My seminary teacher told us that he had a gay friend who was happily married to a wife and had kids. Besides, I have met several gay people who gave in and that makes you much stronger than them.
ReplyDeleteI would embrace who you are nic, while the mormon church is a place of comfort, one that I can relate to, the pressures of fitting into your role that they give you is tough. I would (and am) rather be gay and leave a place that hurts me for myself than lying to them and to everyone else around me for my entire life. You are who you are and maybe once you embrace that, you'll be happier... But thats one persons opinion.
ReplyDeleteSee, I agree to an extent. I know that I need to accept myself, because that's a huge step. But once I do...I honestly want to stay in the church. Because I really do have a testimony, it's just a matter of wanting to believe it at this point. It's a large cross to bear, but I might be up for it? Then again, I'm not sure yet. Step one: Accept myself.
DeleteNic, I know what you're going through (as far as your mind wandering) It may take some time, but you have to learn how to shut off your brain. It sucks, its why I'm an insomniac. I find going to the temple helps, I haven't gone in the temple in almost 5 years, but just being on the grounds helps me to calm my mind. I'm always here when you want to talk...
ReplyDeleteNic, accepting yourself is a huge step, but is it really accepting yourself if the religion that says "come as you are" won't accept you for you? Is having a testimony strictly a LDS thing? I think you have the ability to be an amazing inspiration to people, even more so than you already are. But that first step is not lying to how your brain works, biologically I might add. You are loved more than I think you know.
ReplyDeleteNic, you say your greatest fear is being alone. Let me assure you that you are not and never have been alone. We all have a loving Heavenly Father who is always there and you have parents, family and friends that love you very much. This may seem a bit corny but as I thought about your comment about how you can't be on the fence, I pictured a big beautiful green field on the right side of a fence and a dark desolate field on the left side of the fence. Standing on the beautiful right side of the fence right in front was Heavenly Father, Jesus, your Mother, your Father, your sister and your grandparents with a large crowd of family and friends behind them. There was no one on the dark left side of the fence and that would be a pretty lonely place to be. I then pictured you sitting on the fence trying to decide which side to jump over to, The only thing I can say is choose the right.
ReplyDeleteHey brother dear. My only true response to this blog is this: You choose whichever path makes you happiest, and whichever will bring you peace. You can still love Christ and the church without being Mormon. You can still have and follow a faith, because God will always love you for the wonderful human being you are. I will always be here for you, so call me whenever you need to hear a friendly voice. Heaven only knows how many times you've helped me throughout the years I've known you. You're never alone - you have many people who love you and are willing to go to great lengths to help you through these rough patches. I love you brother. <3
ReplyDeleteIf God loves everyone and wants them to be happy than you should be able to marry a man if you want. I am telling you this honestly, there is no way to not be gay, its part of you. I think that you are amazingly talented, and I know that you are having a hard time, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. You have so many people who love you dearly no matter what.
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