Adopting a New Attitude

     Hey there friends and readers. It's been a few crazy days, so blogging hasn't been too easy. Let me catch you up.

     1: Work is pretty awesome. The people are great, the work itself is fun and the workplace is beautiful. I get free popcorn and lemonade, that's always awesome. There are only two problems I can think of. Number one, there's one SUPER annoying girl I work with. I hate talking about people behind their backs...but honestly, I can't stand working next to her for SEVEN HOURS. She doesn't know what she's saying, she overloads customers with information, she tells them the wrong things all the time...it's just very annoying. And the second thing...I kinda like one of my coworkers. Oops, that isn't supposed to happen. Ugh, it kind of annoys me.

     2: I've been struggling with Institute. My work schedule is pretty wonky, so waking up at 6:30 has been very difficult. Institute is very important to me too...so it's very hard for me to miss it so much. And with a wavering testimony, it makes everything worse. Hopefully I can figure this all out.

     3: I don't know, it would just be weird to only have a list of two. So, yeah.

     Anyway, life is crazy, but I'd like to talk about something that, for some strange reason, has been bothering me lately.

     Here's my backstory. Two teenagers are in High School in the wonderful Pocatello Idaho. They get into a sticky situation, and the girl is pregnant. She can't keep the baby, so she puts it up for adoption before it was even born. They didn't know anything. Skip ahead 9 months and boom, a little baby boy is born. So two people from Boise drive down to Pocatello and pick up this little baby boy. I'm sure you know who that baby was. That was me. A little baby born to nobody in particular.

     Here's what I hate about this all. I'm adopted. Yeah, so maybe that's a little dramatic. Or very dramatic. But I just simply hate it. I was given up by a woman who couldn't keep me, but I know loved me. And now I'm with parents that love me, but that I don't connect with.

     So I've always known I'm adopted. But that doesn't stop the identity crisis of it all. And that's really what it is. I've never known my actual backstory. I don't even know if I'm Scottish, English, Finnish...anything. I don't know medical history of my bloodline. I don't look like my parents or my sister. It's really hard to explain, but I just wish I could figure all of this out.

     So this has been really bothering me lately, and I've decided that I need to adopt a new kind of attitude so that I don't just sit around and feel horrible about myself and lonely. I do everything I can to be as positive as I can.

     Overall, there is just so much happening and I can't figure out what my life is. So hopefully I figure all of this out soon. If any of you have a question, any question at all, just let me know.

     Thanks for reading.

The Gateway Post

     Not many people really know this about me, but I have a very short temper. Really, it's quite short. If you had to rank my temper on a scale using only military and political leaders, it might stand an inch or two below Napoleon Bonaparte.

     All joking aside, this is one thing I am really not proud of. When something happens against my liking, my fuse is lit. And with it being so short, it takes almost no time for me to explode. But (being an INFJ, and that will be explained in further detail some day) usually it's an inward explosion. I do my best not to be that guy that just makes a huge deal out of nothing. The guy everyone hates because he takes everything to heart, and not in a good way. Occasionally, though, I burst. I HATE myself when this happens. I get violent, I scream, I say horrible things, my heart beats wildly...it isn't a good experience. And that's what I would like to address.

     When I throw these idiotic tantrums, it's only with my family. I honestly do love them, but that's when my temper is shortest. I really don't know why. I've never connected 100% with my parents. There are lots of factors that could go into this. Many of which I couldn't even name. Maybe I don't connect with them because we share almost nothing in common? Maybe it's because I like to do things on my own? Maybe it's just because I'm adopted? I don't know. Either way, I really just don't connect with them. And because of this, I break away from my TRUE INFJ self and get angry. It really isn't my best quality.

     Wow, I'm revealing a lot in this one. Phew. The whole adoption thing I'll write about later. That one could take a good 2 or 3 hours for me to write. As for the connecting with parents, I'll expand on that later too.

     Tempers. I've just always sucked at keeping mine. And I can't stand other people's. The tiniest things will bother me, as well. Maybe I'll have had a bad day and then at dinner my mom will say something like, "Nic, you look down. Do you want to talk about it?" And I'll just snap and run to my room before I do anything stupid. I hate it so much. And a lot of this goes into depression and self-hate.

     Sorry, I think this is kind of a gateway post. I'm just opening up to a lot of things so I can talk about them when I feel like I really need to. Hopefully the randomness of this didn't put you off or anything.

     *On a positive note* I'm currently sitting in the Boise Institute building. It's a truly wonderful place where I can just relax and forget about the world. I love Institute so much. I might even say it has kind of saved me in many ways. Ellie, Rusty, Robin, Gage, Rachel, Owen, Rhen, Jillian, Heather, Jessica...I'm forgetting so many people. But I just love them all. Once again...I'll expand later.

     I hope you enjoyed my gateway post to the many wonderful upcoming posts of mine. As you can see, many of those will be, well, sad. But hey, nothing's perfect (And this blog is already much happier than I expected it to be.) Thanks for reading, everyone. I keep writing for YOU. So keep checking it out. I love you guys. Have a lovely night.